NO LONGER

November, day 26th, 2013
Since our awful dispute and since my brother punched my husband, I knew that I no longer needed, that my husband has never been expected in this family clan, that we’re hated. Sharp words my Brother threw over my husband and I  added with Mom nodded her head agreed with my Brother’s words, has made all clear – that we’re unwanted, has made me understand that I no longer have family – friend – or even someone to rely on. I no longer have anything, it seem Mom as if has just died in front of me and I now become an Orphan. In the end I realize, why my body shrink to thin this late one year, is because I have refused my instinct from hearing what my heart screamed about, that it screamed about unhappiness that I’ve been going through. So now, after all have happened, I know…. That I have to leave. Because that’s what my Brother shouted at us “We want you to leave, out…! out … !”

It was quite sad and scared too. After the dispute, I didn’t know where to go. I was also thinking hard about flying over Java and temporary living with my mother in law. But what about my pet? I can’t leave them just like that?! And for sure, nobody will look after them, they eventually will sell them to the  Butcher. Their part of bodies will be separated and being  selected by restaurant owner to be served as a hot soup !
In the morning, after the dispute, I had my eyes swollen for crying all night, my throat felt dry and headache too. But as I opened my eyes, I heard my heart whispered to me, “You don’t have to go that far. You just have to leave from this place, find a place around, no need to fly over Java”
So I woke up. I also awaken my husband and said “Hey, I have idea. What about we searching for a place around this town?”
Of course my husband responded my words a half aware and a half sleepy because it was 5 o’clock in the morning. I waited until 7 before telling him what my heart told me. And I did it, my husband responded it in positive way too.
Since then, I no longer felt sad or scared. On the other hand, I fully excited. And as I approached my dogs that morning, I felt some kind of double or multiple openness knowing that they are still with me, and will never be apart from me.

H O M E

November, day 28th, 2013
We went out searching for a house, the store and coffee shop temporary closed for today. Friend of mine helps us to show houses she knows for rented. The first house we stopped by was really confusing for me. said it is a minimalist house, but as we walked in, I wondered how is it called “minimalist”? It also not worth called a “house”, it’s just a room. First, there’s no front yard, no garage. As you open the house, you see a sink and a place made from cement where you can put a stove which you called “kitchen”, it is integrate with what we called “guest room”, it is only for about 4 x 5 worth of room size and a little bathroom, a very little bathroom. Apart from 2 small-sized windows in front, there’s no other window, even there’s no another door which can link us to the backyard, because there’s no backyard at all. The conclusion is, this tiny (minimalist) room (house) has only 2 windows in front, 1 main room, kitchen and guest room merge with no border between and 1 bathroom. What I dislike about this room (house) is : there’s no air circulation at all, there’s no yard for my dogs, how can we live in this small room ?
The second house.
Ok..This time not as bad as the first. At least, this worth called “house”. There’s a front yard before you get to the core, the core fenced with grate. The size of the core is okay, you can put 2 chairs and a small table for whenever there’s a sudden guest and you can speak outside. Even if you have put 2 chairs and 1 small table, still there’s a big space size left. This core is quite broad. Next to another step, we walked into the house. The room is spacious, there are two : the guest room and another room which a half-sized from the guest room where you can use as a family room to put your TV set and another stuff. There’s a space between one room to another like guest room to the kitchen. As we walked deeper inside, there’s a kitchen which also broad and also bathroom. This kitchen is wide enough for me to put my wash-machine, dispenser, dining table, tables for my kitchen sets, and another. With all those stuff, I can see that there a space left over between the kitchen and the bathroom. So I love it !
There’s a back door and as I opened it, I see wild grasses and vegetables grows.
“Is this yard still yours?” I asked the owner.
“Yes, it limit is until that coconut tree “ she answered while pointing over a tall coconut tree.
I saw a middle-sized of chicken coop and it made me laugh. “So I can breed chicken too?”
The women laughed, “Of course, you can use that coop if you want”
So we talked about my 6 dogs and wonder if she mind if I bringing them with me.
“I don’t mind, your neighbors will be pleased knowing there are dog to make this area more safe. Don’t worry, your neighbors left and right are still my family, my little sister and my oldest sister. They are nice people and and very busy outdoor, so… Nothing to worry”
Ok… A house with one guest room, family room, one main bedroom, one guest bedroom, a kitchen, one bathroom, back and front yard, wide-sized windows in front and back, nice core, nice front and back yard. What else?
Should I try this one?
That’s it.
What we gonna do for the next is : discussing.
My husband and I soon talk over it as we arrived home. There’s a certain moment where I astonished knowing we will welcoming Christmas in the new place. Isn’t it excited? I no longer feel sad, no longer feel unwanted, even I no longer worry for anything. I start to take this situation as a bless, what has happened between me and my family is a sign for me and my husband to move forward, that to leave this place is a best choice that we ever made. I no longer expecting my parents to stop me because I know it won’t happen. But it doesn’t make me down, because I realize I no longer need their sympathy, I no longer need them to care about my leaving.
I laughed when my friend asked me, “Think about this carefully. How if, after you pay the rent cost and about to leave, suddenly your Mom emerge while crying, begging you to stay, for not to leave?”
I answered “It won’t happen, trust me”
But my friend insisted, “But how if it’s happen? How about the money you already handed to the owner? You can’t ask it back just because your Mom ask you to stay, you know?”
I laughed, “I know, don’t worry. Just like I said, it will never happen”
=============
I heard they laughing outside, Mom, my sister and brother. But I no longer felt empty because I’m not involved, I smiled and said to myself “They are laughing at their falseness, but I walk forward for reality”.
This is me, I will prove to them that one day I’ll be back with triumph as a crown on my head. I agreed with what my friend said, soon as I walked out this house with my husband, no matter what kind of house we are living in, they can’t belittle us no more. My Brother can’t say any words to my husband anymore, even my sister and Mom. Because whatever nasty words they will throw over us, we have already show them that we’re standing on our own feet instead of sheltered under Mom’s armpits!!!
🙂
*Nightbugs-secret-story
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