If you’re a MOTHER, please read this and notice to NEVER do this to your kids. It’s hurt, really…

I love my mother just like other children do. But it seems I must fight even harder to keep her love stay in it place. Like a phone credit I have refilling it so I can continue communicating with whoever I want to. It seems every second, a little hole formed and if I not in hurry to cover the hole, the bigger it will be, means the more far we are. And it opposite with my sister. Otherwise, it doesn’t happen to my sister. I do everything to make Mom loving me, contrary Mom doing the same to make my sister loving her.
Today, I think it’s time to stop.
I feel it useless to keep hoping for a change. Mom will never appreciate what I’ve done to her and also my feeling. It is enough for me being hurt anytime I face this inequity. Because today I have already studied my Mom that she will never change, she will never put me on top.
3 days ago I had a big argument with my sister. How I was upset she shaming me in front many people, she said the serving drinks on table 3 was looked like already taken by me before served. The couple on table 3 spontaneously looked at me with their suspicious look. I tried to convince them that it’s not true, I swear by God I didn’t drink it before I serve it, by the way – why should I do that?!
My sister suggested me to change the drinks. I stood up between the couple on table 3 and facing her, I said “It’s only you who have such a bad mouth, saying I drink it while I’m not !” – her friend tried to separate us and she taking me back to the kitchen, “Sisters not fighting” she said. But my sister didn’t stop, she followed us and said “The couple demand their drinks to be exchanged”
I was so peaked, “What’s the matter with you? Why did you do this? Did you see I drink it?” my voice rose so her friend took her out. I apologize to the couple and exchange their drinks. Not too long Mom came up, said she just back from wed-party and stopped by. From my sister’s friend Mom heard our feud and asking back to me.
We were sitting at the round table and had white-hot-coffee, Mom listening each story I told her.
“I don’t know why she suddenly saying that. She might want to destroy my business, or she could be jealous at me.” I said. “Maybe she mad at me because I refused her to wash her saucers. Ok, she can be the Boss on everyone but not to me. Nobody can rule me. I have my own work and I never involving people to finish it, why does she think she can ask me to finish her work?! Too many vagaries, I don’t like it.  And now she tried to embarrass me in front my customers, thank’s God her friend separate us, if not I would have kicked her tummy.”
And another complaints I told Mom about my sister.
“She once called me idiot, so I fought her word by saying “If you’re the sample of those smart people, so I will never want to be one. I’d rather stay to be an Idiot!” Then I laughed, “you know what I mean, Mom”
“Sometime I believe that she jealous at me, but why must she? Whatever happening to her life today is an overview of what she had done in the past, it’s called Karma”
“I remembered when she broke me. How it was a huge tragedy for me. How she was happily dancing upon my misery. And now, the circumstance has change, for what ever pain she gave me, she has it now. Then why she must jealous at me?”
I thought Mom was stand by my side, but I was wrong.
Because the day after, the disaster came along.
Mom came up, she no longer stopped by my coffee shop, instead she sat on my sister’s food-stall bench. I saw her and say hello to her while delivering an order to the table. Mom ordered for ice-coffee and when I serve it, Mom suddenly said “Why you serve only one ice-coffee, your sister want to have it too?”
I walked back to my coffee shop and made one for my sister. Mom bought a donuts and share some to me and didn’t forget to warn me “Don’t have it all, your sister want it too”
At night my friend handed some money to me, Mom was there and after my friend back home, in front my sister, Mom asked me to share those money to my sister, “Come on, I want to see you share  a little to your sister”
I can’t stop wondering why Mom all of sudden changed drastically like this?
“Come on, I want to see it” – Mom insisted me.
I stood up from my sit and said “No” – then walked away.
So today Mom visited my sister again. This time she changed to be my sister’s maid. She helped her cooking, serving the food on the plates, and when I stop there, Mom asked me to make drinks for two. “Your sister must be very thirsty.”
While I’m walking back to my coffee shop, I thinking, “Why must she mention my sister all the time? Is Mom angry to me for words I said to her few days ago about her beloved daughter? Is this the way of her to do revenge to hurt my feeling back? If so, then she blaming me for feud happened between me and my sister?”
Along three of us sitting on the same table, I saw Mom never stop supporting my sister, never stop praises her and I was there watching and listening of those bullshit. All of a sudden Mom asked me, “What do you have for lunch?”
“I cooked pork goulash” I answered then suddenly remember that I haven’t had any yet.
“If you want some I will pack it for you” I continued. Mom nodded, “I already full, your sister cooked a delicious curry. But it’s ok if you want to pack it for me, your nephews might like it for dinner”
The Mom switch the topic, “You know Frezco, he send money to your sister, about $500, well, not bad eh?”
My brain starts spinning while my sister acting like she’s a weak women needed a help and fragile.
“I wonder, why don’t you give one of your refrigerator to your sister? You have 3 already?”
“But they have their own function, Mom.”
“Yes, true. But I think you can short it some of it contains into only two refrigerator and give the oldest one to your sister”
I swear by God, if only she’s not my Mother, I would have killed her. I staring at her for few seconds before my heart saying, “Why she must asking me to share right in front my sister? As if she’s waiting for me to say “NO” instead of “YES” because that’s what she want to hear, as if they both collecting my sins, as if she want to make it clear that I’m her  useless daughter”
I’m out of words, really…
“That’s okay, Mom” – my sister answered.
“No, it’s not okay. She is too greedy. She doesn’t want to share. It’s not good. I feel a shame having a daughter like her”
Then what is it “OKAY”?
Embarrassing me in front many people?
Before Mom back home, I packed her the pork-goulash I cooked. She looked at the tupperware I used to put the pork in, and said “it such a waste you cook this, I don’t know how it taste but I heard pork meat is expensive today”
I didn’t comment her, I put it on the table and walked away. I said to myself, ok it’s enough.
I don’t know what happening with the people, with my Mom. But all seems turn to be insane. And it hurt me for these 3 days knowing that all words I said were just becoming a boomerang aimed towards me. 
Mom, she really hurt my feeling.
I don’t understand why she did this to me. But one thing I know now, based of what I have studied today taken from several experiences, where Mom will be change anytime I pointed someone and said “I hate him/her” – Guess, she will love the one I hate.
Just like my sister, I know now…
She did it in purpose just to hurt my feeling, not because I was wrong or she knew that I was wrong. She did this because she loves it when she sees me in tears, what the heck !
I know it sounds odd, a daughter assume her mother as like that. But I believe I’m not wrong.
And now I wonder, what is it wrong with me? What my sister have that I don’t?
Why it looks like I’m the only one who keep fighting to make her love me?
Why it looks like I’m the only one who keep fighting to win her heart?
No, I can’t keep going like this.
Really, it makes me tired. I’m fed up.
I no longer need such a love like that, from a women called Mother who gives her love to her daughter with one condition. I have a right to be loved, I have right same like my sister. But it seems there’s no justice here.
My Mom will never be change.
Then the change must come from me.
My hope has changed. Remembered my Guru words, “Let it flow” – I may doing it.
Bye Mom.
Enjoy your fantasy. And you will see who deserve the best.
I promise : You will see the truth, one day…

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s