BOTH SIDE NOW

It’s  rainy season and it’s been 3 months today. But I love rain, really I do.
When I was a child, I loved to imagine myself sitting infront the window opened widely while watching the rain falls. Maybe because that time I had no window just like in my imagination. The situation of my room window was like this : if you open it,a thing you could see is a view of neighbour’s house high-wall which was a symbol of limitation between our house and their house. And there’s nothing else except the wall.

Today it still raining, and this feeling I really love so, it always appears when rain start falling… I feel Peace and quiet.
So I start to disassamble my old CD Collections and my eyes stopped on one CD compilation. There’s a kind of  doubtful when I want to play it but then I assure myself, “I still survive, so don’t worry…”

I neglected tens of song lists and jumped on to this song, “BOTH SIDE NOW”
This is silly when finally I motivated to find out what exactly this song is telling about so I google it.
I was stunned, even when it lyric has spreaded out infront of me, still I don’t know what this song is telling about and why I was once sobbed ’til I wanted to die ?!

There was a time when I had a relationship with an English men. He came from Chester, that’s all I remember.
By the time I loved to travel and I met him in Malaysia.  Since then we committed to keep in touch until then he visited me to my country and finally we proclaimed our relationship.

Week after week, month after month passed by. During the time, I learned of what he like and dislike. But when this relationship went to the 4th month, I found a strange behave of his, unusual and weird if I can say. I don’t know how to describe, but he is just strange. Day by day his strangeness appears more real. Oh God !! Wish I could perfectly speaking and writing in english, wish I could describe you what “strangeness” it is.

His strangeness was simply hurting me so bad, how he loved to lift up my heart but suddenly knocked me down. How he made me smile but suddenly in a minute he made me cry. And I remember how he enjoyed it all.  He loved to see me crying and fearful. He has never physically hurting me, he hurting mentally.

I was like a toy If I can tell, he take a control of my mood. He decided when I should laughing and when to cry. He used to hurting me with this words “I never love you, I don’t even respect you, can’t you see… ???” and then he would left me in the middle of our dinner or lunch. He loved to shout at me and then left and he always did that in public area so people would stare at me after he’s gone  and it was like a biggest victory for him.

What I remember is he loved me more when I’m crying. It is like he got jealouse if he saw me happy and being loved by people around me. He hate my family just because they love and care with me, he humiliated my parents and named them as idiot people. He hate my sister, he hate my brother and the last he hate me and calling me a dumb bitch.

I contemplated all of our journey at one night and then I took a decision to finish it. I feel so tired of having relationship with him while I don’t know where is this relationship would lead us to ?
He came up and invited me for dinner. During the dinner I less speak while my mind spinning around about where should I start to end this relationship. My silent could be made him furious. Unexpectedly he slammed the table and I was shocked. He started to shout and scolded me with no reason until people around staring at me. I still remember how my face turned to be red to restrain of feeling ashamed.

That night, before he left me, once again, he hurted me with his words, the words he usually toasted to my face.
“I never love you, I never respect you, can’t you see? I more respect those bitches I met on the street, they are much precious than you, Dumb Bitch”

There was a guy, another English men who gave me a hands. He helped me to find a taxi, he said he has watched it all and feel sorry for me.  That night, to cover my crying sound, I turned the cd player on. Because I set it in “shuffle” mode, so the song played random. The first song played was this “Both Side Now”. The more I hear this song the more I sobbed. And because the next song didn’t support my grief atmosphere, so I decided this song to represent my sadness and set it in “replay”. All night, I only playing this song.

By the time I lived on the second floor of my Dad’s store. I had a big room with terrace confronted with main road. So I sat there while music keep playing on. There, this question keep dancing in my mind “WHY”

Why he calling me dumb bitch?

As I woke up in the morning the tears again and again started to fall. I cried not because I soon will loosing him, because that time I already buried all about him. I cried because I can’t accept all his insults. This song was the only my friend, this song was the only witness how hurted I was. I remember I spent 3 days in my room, sitting infront the window. From there I could see my terrace and the road. For 3 days I never stop thinking of what I’m going to do after this. I found myself desperate, all my  spirit as if gone and the left is me with no soul.

Suddenly on the 3rd day, he called me up and asked if I have a time to meet him. I don’t know why I said “Yes”, but I did.
We met at Starbuck and still I had less words to say. He finally appologized but I couldn’t feel anything. I stayed in silent mode and just like I have imagine, my behave would make him angry. But I’m ready for that…

And yess,, he banging the table and started shouting. “Come on! Speak! Speak!!!”
I stared at him, I no longer feel afraid, I feel no ashamed no more, it was like I totally free to express how I feel. As if I heard a voice, “anyway this is over, no matter what I have to give him a sweetest goodbye”.

I said to myself  “Ok, do what you want. You can shout at me as loud as you want, but I won’t allow you to insult me again, I swear !!!

And after that, he finished his words with the same words he used to toast over my face, “Dumb Bitch” and then left.
I count 1 to 3, I can feel my eyes getting dark and as if there’s an evil perched in my sould, I suddenly stand up and chased him. He’s not going too far yet, so when I get close to him I clap his back and when he turned back, “BANG !!!!”

Although we ended up in Police Station  and although my brother had to guarantee me so I could be released, I never regret it. Contrary I feel free, I was fully satisfied. At least I had giving him a sweetest goodbye, it was a nice punches right on his lower jawbones, three times. It should be 5 or maybe 10 if the policeman who were unexpectedly passed by arrested me and helped him to stand up.

As I got home, I no longer cry, contrary I screamed in happiness… This is my victory !
I danced with my puppy no matter how angry my mother was after she heard what has happened to me.
And after that I thought I don’t need this song played in my room, so I keep it in the box and put it on the highest shelf so I can’t reach it again.

Since then I never hear that song, until today I find it again.
But the feeling is now different especially when I read the lyric. Oh how it is different with what I thought.
I thought this song has the same situation with once I had, I thought this song was crying about the same sadness I once had. Really, still I don’t understand what this song is telling me about, but at least I no longer crying when I re-hearing it. This song now I call as a representation of my victory. Anytime I hear this song, this will reminds me of my victory.

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