I met “the past” this afternoon, right when I’m deciding to stay away from things. “The Past” that once gave me joy in the beginning but tears in the end. “The Past” where I was still “white”, “pure” and didn’t know what it’s called “intrigue”.

Today when I facing “The Past”, I begin to realize that everything is not same like before. Eventhough I let it in to my life, the feeling I had is not same with what I having this time. Then I sighed, “Why must today? Why not before?”

5 years ago, I met him.  Thought I was lucky enough.
It was a day before his birthday and I bought a special gift and turned up at his place in the morning, surprise!
I thought I would surprising him. Along the road headed to his place I dreamed that he would be very happy because I remember his birthday. If I knew it wasn’t he who would be surprise, I wouldn’t turned up in his place.
Because when I handed the gift I brought for him, there’s another women inside his room indeed.
If I knew that before, I wouldn’t standing there and make my self looked silly infront of her.

And “The Past” is “He”.
He’s here … I met him this afternoon, right when I deciding to rebuild piece by piece of my broken life and think that I love my own company. He changed. Me either. But we change in different way.
He behave nice and gentle, but I acted like against the flow. One side I’m happy – the other side “I don’t want to feel the same old sad for twice”. So you can imagine, how the meeting was. Very awkward.

He knew that he once disappointed me and I knew for sure that now he is trying to fix the mistakes he had done.
This is strange for me. The more he trying – the more I don’t believe him.
This is why I said everything is not same like before.
The more he trying to recall the time we spent together – the more I feel embarrassed.
Embarrassed because everytime I remember that time, I find myself like idiot one.
Idiot because I didn’t learn more about WHAT the real love is before deciding to fall in love.
And when I dive into it, what I’ve got? Nothing but heartache.

And now, I think I’m too clever (too much) till I cannot make a different “WHERE is love” and “IS it real or not”
Like this time, I know, one day I will be regret (or maybe not). Because I’m not sure wether he’s really change or not.
Was he really wanted to show me that he want to start from beginning or he still like before : playing with my head.

Call me skeptical. But I can’t fight this feeling.
I’m afraid. Too much tears wasted and I don’t want to cry no more.
I deserve to have a good life without tears fall apart. And that is my direction now.
Eventhough one day I will be regret, at least I know that I knew this gonna happen before.


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