I forgot when did the last time I enjoyed what it called the DAY. Maybe it’s been long time ago or never at all. Today I feel everything is REAL. All pleasures, the way I enjoying things are perfectly real so that the sun seems sink fastly. I don’t know why this DAY this time is quite different, not same like before. Just like I said, it feels Real and still remain inside and brings a new spirit in my life.
With Jordie, time gone fast too, but I never have felt the same exactly like today. If I have to explain what has made me become like this, some buddies would saying the defining I going to explain is not suitable with the result I felt perhaps. Could be said maybe I’m too excessive. Well, above all, this time I feel like my life is so REAL.
11.30am Cellia came to my place and only both of us in the house, while everybody went to the mountain small village since yesterday attending for a wedding party of our friend. We shared story about our parents, especially about women who had gave us a birth, who dissapointing, make us sick and also has treating us very un-fair : a Mother.
Cellia and Me have the same experience and we also have a wise father but very weak in facing our mother, their wives. A Father who has always hiding behind the name of “wisdom and cool-head” as a reason for avoiding a conflict between he and our mother. Butwe Me agreed that our father is a coward, not absolutely wise !
At 4 in the afternoon Cellia left for home and then another friend turns up ; Sophie. We going to Mall after then. Since two days ago I’ve been dreaming of having a new clothes and today I’ve made my dream comes true.
I’m so happy, very happy of two new clothes I just picked down from the hanger. Only two clothes but my joyful goes up high like a chimney.
This is the new clothes I have since last 2 years.
Looking back makes me stunned in the fitting room, gazing my shadow appears in the mirror wrapped by the clothes I’m fitting. Then I start asking my self “Where did I go for so long ? Am I that poor so that I can buy the new clothes just today after been 2 years ?”
Once again I gazing my shadow while turn arounds infront the mirror smiling satiated.
No, I’m not that poor though. Not that bad. I’d say I have enough money to buy a dozens clothes every week if I wanted to. But the problem is it’s been so long since I felt that I’m died. Since I don’t know what is my life for, I have no something which is lift up my spirit and all the money as if steamed up just like that and I never felt regret for bad spent I did.
Even if I went to the Mall, I never had a taste to pick one of those clothes hanged in displays, didn’t care with the newest trends and I felt ok with what I wore, I learned to learned to make things not matter. I don’t say that I’m a simple girl. Basicly I wanted to appear pretty and attracting. But it was about a gloomy time, about what what I felt inside; I felt I already died long time ago.
All the tastes, desire, dreams and also my soul been died years ago. I felt alive sometimes, especially when I travelling out the country or went to several areas in my country. When I come back home, I suddenly felt that I going back to my coffin.
Yesterday everything seemed strong and stronger. The long time burried desire as if forces out and brings a positive changes in me. I find out my soul again. I want to be appear different, I want to make my self value, to lift up the brightness inside, I want to love myself, spoil me, and realize that my life has a meaning. Too much problems I had face, how it was a hard battle to make me becoming like today and struggled to not rely on someone helps. Eventually I realize that I have neglected the important points I wanted indeed; I want to know what HAPPINESS is.
My life is so vary ; sad, angry, dissapointment, and also happy mixed up together in a bowl. But it’s only a HAPPY.
Next to Jordie I feel peace and HAPPY too. But it mixed up with angry, sad and feel pissed off. I aware now that HAPPY I had with him isn’t REAL. I aware of what I wanted, it is a HAPPINESS without CONDITION, without MIXTURE.
My happiness today is REAL, no angry, dissapointed, regret or sad mixture in between. The happiness I have today also has give a birth a new spirit in me.
I’m glad to see those two clothes I bought without regret just like what I felt before “Why did I choose this color and why didn’t that one?”.
Too much talking huh…?
What I’m trying to say is : that sometimes what we thought the happines as a “Happiness” obviously wasn’t the real one. And also the contrary, what we thought as nothing could be something which leads us to the real happiness.
Mostly we didn’t aware what we really wanted, thought that what we’re doing now is something that we like most and brings us happiness.
Have we ever once thinking about what we’re really wanted in this life ?
Trapped in daily activity untill we ignored heart wishes.
Soul in one’s needs what it called ; peacefull and happiness, the real one.
So let’s we try to find that REAL in our own life.
Just like me, I already found it. I found that small thing could make me feel in happiness… Only two clothes, can u imagine ?
I’m sure you can unearth the deeper meaning through what I explained in here….