With Or Without HIM

Saturday night and no boy friend arounds. Where is my love ?

Last year at flowers fair, that was the last time I met him.
I held a flower given by him while tears falling apart. We both have gave up of this relationship as none of us could understand each
other.

I don’t know where he is, the day after the flower fair, I stopped thinking about
him, deleted his number out of my phone list, burnt off the blue-black diary which was full of stories about him, avoiding the next question from “Where is Sam” to “Are you ok ?”, I’ve had get rid off pictures of us especially the jumbo one hung on the wall where we posed on an elephant with his hands sorrounded from behind to my stomach. I used to call it “the sexiest pic that we ever had”, but not today. The frame soon empty and replaced with picture of my pet, the position is still on the same spot but the different image. That’s better, I said to my self then jump down on the chair.

The day seems so different, I meant since he’s not arounds.
I feel more relax, more independent, more comfortable, enjoyable the days, more confident, more… more everything!
Anyway, what do you expect from a guy who is always telling about correctness of himself? Where is my position ?

Then why should I expecting light and thunder through this relationship?
Isn’t love means sharing, caring, protecting, etc ?
But he was different, the more I sad the more he felt happy. The more I fell down, the more he immersed me. When I founded crying, he didn’t wipe my
tears – he took a needle and pierced my eyes more! Well, of course it’s just a metaphor to show how
useless our relationship was.

For instance, when we were attending his friend’s birthday party. On the way
he told me that he loves me, he said I look beautifull. But soon as we arrived
in the party, his hand  escaped out of my hand then he would addressing all the buddies and just ignored me like that.
During the party, I stood in the corner, waiting for him to ask me for dance, but it didn’t happen. He went down to the dance floor with another girl and he said that’s ok and I should to find one for. Didn’t he know that I wanted him dance with me ? Or maybe I was so naive ?

Like we went to the Mall and thought we would having fun there with the sticks
on our hands, playing the Jumbo Jack Part IIIi, but it didn’t like what I expect. He went out, said he would buying something for his sour mouth but he never come back. When I walked out to find where he is, he’s talking with other girl at cafe. As I stood there with “Who & Why” face, he made me to sit but didn’t introduce me to that girl at all. If I angry, he would calling me “crazy”, if I were silent, I would feel a fire burnt my heart, so I grew grumbling and guess what he said? He said I’m pathetic.

By the time I didn’t know where my position was.
I loved him but hated him at the same time.

I convinced my self that it was a temptation, but it’s not!
It’s a stupid explanation, a dumb thought, a silly words, nasty love!
He didn’t love me and I didn’t get it. I thought he was kidding for all the words he said, I didn’t get it untill one day I found out he went out (again and again) with another girl.
I said to my self  “Is this Armagedon?”

No, he didn’t love me from begin untill the end.
Then why he could went out with a girl he never loved  ?
Still a mystery for me and also  a deep insulting in my life.

I’d rather to go out with this guy, the one who recently keep calling me to say “Good morning” and “Have you finsihed at work?” and “Can I call you tonight?” but never invite me for cinema!
(Sigh)

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