Maybe I can say this : that my mother loved me – but not absolutely. She would loving me if I behaved ‘good’. The “Good” i meant is If I do what exactly she wanted and everything about “Good” that she thought was “Good” without heed what I thought.
One mistake would be fatal for me. I should prepare my self to take punishment forms started from physique’s torture untill sharp-heartbreaking insults. Added with pulled out the things she ever gave to me included Tommy (my little pekingesse) which was suddenly becoming night-cries and dreams I met him again. She handed him to unknown person and I couldn’t do anything but crying and crying.
When I was six by then Mother and Me having dinner in a restaurant. Just because I failed counting one ’till a hundred in English, she left me behind just like that. I sat there, didn’t know what to do and how I could get home was a horrible story.
When I was nine, around the time we were in park, she pointed to one girl who was playing jumped rope. She’s very smart, she said, not like me and she wished she could have one. I know what she’s trying to say. In recalling this I’m very surprised : how is that as a child I knew what’s in her mind!
When she asked for my opinion, I knew by then what she wanted was to find deeply-sad on my face of dissapointment and begging for her to pull back her wishes replacing me with that jumped-rope girl.
Just the opposite, I answered, “Why don’t you find out if she wants becoming your daughter?” – more and more she went angry and left me behind.
Finnaly I found out the formula to conquer her heart, merely to have her love. By doing what she wanted, everything would be fine.
But it wasn’t save anything. During struggling to win her heart, I would find an obstacle which made me nervous and ended up with mistakes. This point she never knew : when I get nervous I couldn’t think reasonable, nervousness aimed me to the next mistakes and that’s what she disliked.
When I was eleven I driven out home since 10 minutes late from school and had the same as I didn’t know how to run the sewing machine. There was father who kept calling me back from Aunt. But it didn’t change anything eventhough Aunt advised her over and over again.
When I was thirteen Mother done an adjustmen soon as given birth for Careen, my little sister. She didn’t drive me out anymore but left home anytime I made a mistake. She tormented my soul in purpose and I should down on her knees, begging for her to come back home, it happened continuosly. She always had a plenty ways to knock me down in front of Father. If I have made a mistake or there something she thought unsuitble, she would left for Aunt and slipped a note on the table next to the phone written “It’s all my fault”.
One day with restless faced, My Father came and begged me to behave good and pleased her. “Do it for Careen” he said. Mother always leaving home without my little sister who still needed her milks.
So of course, one night I pondered this.
I didn’t know what exactly I have done, where I went wrong, why they’re all became my faults, even I wondered about what “mistake” is?
Then followed by questions about what is “lack” compared with “carelessness” which combined with ” foolishness” ?
For Mother everything must be perfect, mistakes are un-acceptable.
If I abled to do this I would win her heart. A mistake which I thought was a “carelessness” or just say it’s my “foolishness” would threatened my position.
I finally became conscious that hopes were just like a leak-bottle. It wouldn’t ever fulfilled with water. Expected she would change was just like waiting for the moon falls down on to my palm.
All whole my live, I realized, I would always to appear perfect in front of her.
Perfect means having her love, the restricted love which would dissapear soon as you made a new mistake. The situation would never ever change. That’s the fact.
When I was fifteen, 2 hours after she angry and insulted me that bad, calling me as un-expected child, I decided leaving home to nowhere.
By then I hope my name along with starving waif picture of mine unfurled on the local newspaper followed by words “Missing”.
But it never happened, even I never being asked to another relatives whether I alive or already dead.
I believed since then that she was trying to be honest to me, that I never been expected. As if I’m vanished swallowed down to the earth.